Parents often worry about their children’s choices of friends, especially as they enter the pre-teen and early adolescent years. We wonder, will my child have any friends, the right kind of friends, who will they be, and what will they be doing? How will I know if my child’s getting in trouble, hanging with the wrong crowd, or getting exposed to sex, drugs, or violence in ways I don’t approve? Yikes! If you weren’t neurotic before, these child-rearing years can certainly do it to you.
Our children don’t help much. They are increasingly seeking comfort, advice, and camaraderie not within the family, but with their peer group instead. And that peer group increasingly demands privacy from the parents’ eyes and ears. We watch from the sidelines (or the chauffeur’s seat in the car) as this drama unfolds. The kids are gleefully passing notes, phoning, emailing, IMing, texting, skyping, etc. one another. They’re planning sleep-overs, challenging each other to truth-or-dares, ragging on each other and the world, and sharing heartfelt secrets. We often have mixed feelings ranging from pride and humor (“Isn’t it cute/great/funny – reminds me of when I was that age”) to horror and dread (“Oh no, what are they up to – reminds me of when I was that age”).
So how to handle our children’s move towards a more independent social life – whether it be blossoming or struggling? How do we guide our children’s development of healthy friendships without being overly intrusive or neglectful? A few tips.
First, make your values and limits perfectly clear. Of course, but how? NOT with stern, long-winded lectures. The trick here is to find the brief teachable moments, to share our thoughts in brief sentences, and to encourage repeatedly brief dialogues with out kids about important issues. (Note the operative word “brief” in the preceding sentence.)
Remember that talks with children at this age are usually best when they are not eye-to-eye, intense verbal discussions focused directly on the child. Rather, we can use shared TV shows, movies, music, car radio news reports, internet headlines, popular you tube videos, local parent or kid chatter to make our point.
Share and explore what you’re seeing and hearing in the world. Ask questions about what they’re seeing and hearing in the world. Use these examples of pro-social and anti-social behaviors as opportunities for discussion about making smart choices. Ask your kids, where would they draw the line and why?
It’s best to focus on a person’s behavior choices and the natural consequences of those behaviors, not making broad judgments about the person per se. This is true whether you’re discussing social behaviors observed in the media, the neighborhood, or your own home.
Be empathic, acknowledge the struggle the child may have felt, and point out the positive and negative choices the child could make. Be clear that positive behavioral choices lead to positive outcomes, and negative choices lead to negative consequences – sooner or later. (What goes around, comes around!) Be realistic and fair, and whatever you do, do not exaggerate to make your point. Kids this age have seriously sensitive BS detectors.
You can use these techniques with almost any topic: smoking, drinking, sex, shoplifting, borrowing, curfews, homework, academic achievement, sportsmanship, morals, hygeine, appearance, eating and sleeping habits, chores, respectful or appropriate talking, trust, commitment, fairness, tolerance, social activities, and more.
Chat with your kids about these issues as they come up and while you’re eating, driving, washing dishes, going for a walk, playing a board game, or just hanging out. Make sure you have some casual together times daily (at least several times weekly) – to make room for such conversation. And during these times, make sure you allow the child to contribute his or her ideas, that you are having a dialogue, not a monologue.
Are you respectfully listening to your child’s ideas, before respectfully sharing your own? Openly and carefully consider your child’s thoughts, feelings, and points of view. Empathize with their struggles, challenges, and peer pressures. Then return to your core values and expectations, quite clearly and directly. Repeat as needed.
You are planting seeds. Just plant them and gently water from time to time. Do not insistently overwater.
As always, reality check, are you practicing what you’re preaching. There is no better way to make your values stick with your kids that to daily practice and live them. None of us are perfect, but how close are we? The closer our behaviors match our words, the closer our children’s behaviors will match our wishes.
Now, you have laid the groundwork for your children to go out and make smart choices for themselves about their activities and their friends. That’s half the battle. The second half of this parenting game plan will be discussed next week. So stay tuned for ideas on how to effectively monitor your tween’s social life.
Comments on this entry are closed.