We’ve all been there: “We all make mistakes.” It’s easy for us to say those comforting words – to be compassionate and forgiving – when we see someone else’s kid really mess up. But how do we handle it when it’s one of our own? With the same loving kindness and wisdom?
We do all make mistakes, especially our children who are growing up trying to figure out what’s right, what’s wrong, and what they want to do about it. These moment-to-moment choices ultimately determine where they fit in and who they are. Our children grow from being naïve, immature pre-schoolers to more aware, mature decision-making pre-adults. Hopefully.
Are you Laughing-Out-Loud? If your child has gotten to the teen years yet, or even the tween years, you probably are. Or you’re rolling your eyes. Or you’re holding your breath.
It’s so challenging nowadays for both parents and kids to get through the journey from childhood to adulthood without facing some major mistakes and set-backs along the way. There are just too many challenges, temptations, stressors, and plain bad influences surrounding them at every turn – online and off.
Yes, kids make mistakes. Big ones. We’re talking cheating, stealing, or lying. Physically fighting, bullying or harassing others, vulgar or hurtful gossiping, vengeful acts, self-mutilation. Drinking, smoking weed, snorting worse, having sex – unsafe or otherwise. Violating some important family value or social norm. Making some serious errors of judgment that negatively affect them or those around them.
And sometimes they get caught up in a peer group where these choices get reinforced, glorified, vilified, and amplified, especially in today’s social media world. Before your child knows it, a single action can get perversely distorted as it spreads like wildfire across the facebook, twitter, and texting landscape of tweens and teens. Your child gets to relive his or her mistake over and over, and others do too, until a reputation can be built up or broken down in a heartbeat.
What’s a well-meaning parent (or teacher or counselor or coach) to do? As Winston Churchill said, “All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from them.” How do you help your child get through these growing up mistakes so that they really do learn from them, grow stronger from them?
I’ve developed a protocol over the years for older children and adolescents to go through with a parent (or counselor) when they’ve made a major life mistake – or even a series of them. It’s called “Resetting Your Compass.”
First, when you discover the bad news about the bad choices your child has made, collect yourself. Literally take some deep breaths, and spend a few minutes or hours reflecting on what you know, what you don’t know, and how you feel. Get centered on what you really want your child to learn from this experience – what are the solutions to whatever problems or challenges your child was facing at the time, and how do you hope your child will change for the better as you move forward. Get the facts first, as clearly as possible – while accepting the fact that you’ll never know all the facts for sure anyway! But don’t dwell on the past and “why’s,” focus on the future and “how’s.”
As soon as you’ve collected your thoughts and emotions, and done likewise with your spouse or co-parent, then schedule a quiet time and place to sit down with your child to discuss (a) what happened, (b) why, and (c) so what?
The “so what?” part is ultimately the part that matters most. As in, so what do we do now (consequences, restitution, remediation) and what do we do differently moving forward. Accept that everyone at the table has a responsibility for the problem and the solution. Discuss how you will guide and supervise your child (and his/her peers) moving forward. And elicit from your child how he/she will be making smarter choices, even in the face of temptation or adversity, moving forward.
To help with this part, I’ve developed the “Resetting Your Compass” questionnaire that helps your child review their Big Mistake(s) in terms of where they were coming from, where they are now, and where they’re heading.
I strongly recommend that part of the immediate consequence for your tween or teen is to take this “take home test” seriously. After your first big sit-down discussion with your child about what happened and what do we do now, let him/her know that this discussion has been “Part 1” of several healing steps you are going to guide your child through, to see that he/she regroups, recovers, and grows stronger from this experience.
The second step is for your teen or tween to take this questionnaire with them (electronic or paper copy) and spend a week reflecting on their answers, and writing them down. Give the child a week to read, pray, think, discuss with whomever they want whatever they want to about these questions. But mostly you want them to look inward, not outward, for their answers. It’s often good to encourage them to read some relevant, inspirational book or passages (yes, hand them to them!) or maybe watch a relevant movie with a moral, to help prime the pump.
Anyway, then they must write or type or dictate their answers to each question, and bring their written responses to the next meeting with you.
Let them know that the writing part is for them only – to promote introspection and honesty with themselves – you will not read the written answers. But you will look to see that they wrote at least several sentences for each question. Why? We want them to go deeply here, not superficially. You’re using this process for the big mistakes, not the little ones, and we want them to have a big learning experience, hopefully a big change of heart. That only comes with thoughtful reflection and some extra work.
In your second meeting a week later, ask your son or daughter to summarize their answers to you, to tell you about what they’ve learned, what they really think or feel, how they really want to live their life, and what they need (from themselves, you, and others) to succeed at living that life. How do they intend to move forward, being their best self, even in the face of a tempting, pressuring, crazy world out there.
Let them know you’re there for them, always, with love. And limits. And be sure to follow-up regularly with observations, comments, and questions about these matters. It’s not a one-time deal, it’s about ongoing support and guidance.
For those of you motivated enough to get to the end of this article, feel free to use the “Resetting Your Compass” questionnaire as a tool towards self-discovery and healing. It’s here for you at no charge (at www.kidstepcoaching.com/compass) – for whenever you or your child makes a big mistake.
Be one of the wise ones – learn from it. And keep on growing.
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