It’s Thanksgiving – the time of year when we pause to give thanks for the bounty of the harvest and the blessings of family and friends. Yet Thanksgiving is a holiday that can serve us, and our children, best when we celebrate it throughout the year.
Developing an “attitude of gratitude” isn’t about some compulsory mandate to run around and say thank you to others because it’s the polite thing to do (though that’s not exactly a bad thing, either!). It’s about acknowledging and appreciating the blessings that we’ve received, that we are receiving, and that we look forward to receiving.
And like most things, it’s an opportunity to make a conscious choice. It’s not about glossing over the struggles and suffering of life. Rather, it’s fully acknowledging those things too, and appreciating that we’re still here. It’s recognizing that somehow we’ve overcome those challenges, we’ve survived that pain, and we’re still capable of laughing, loving, and learning how to enjoy another day.
When we practice an attitude of gratitude, we receive many unanticipated bonuses. Recent research has shown that being thankful leads to improved moods, physical health, relationships, productivity, and sense of well-being. It decreases depression, and increases happiness and life satisfaction.
This habit of maintaining an attitude of gratitude isn’t always easy, especially if you haven’t been naturally inclined towards it. There can be obstacles to gratitude, brought about by life experiences and self-defeating thought patterns. In fact, the brain is wired somewhat for a “negativity bias” where, for the survival of the species, it pays attention to and remembers negative or threatening encounters most vividly. This can be magnified, of course, by real life suffering or traumatic events. And the busyness of daily life itself doesn’t easily allow periods of reflection, where grace and gratitude can grow.
Sometimes those of us raised in western societies who are taught so much about self-reliance and self-sufficiency, are uncomfortable with the notion of receiving from others and appearing dependent or needy. Other mental roadblocks, such as comparison thinking, perceptions of victimhood, and internal conflicts about worthiness can get in the way.
Yet the amazing thing about human beings is that, as always, we have a choice. We have a brain that is also uniquely wired for conscious thought. We have the ability to consider and choose how we want to respond to any given situation.
When we choose to STOP, RELAX, AND THINK about what makes us happy, about what gifts we’ve received in life, about what blessings we’ve encountered – then we can start a positive snowball rolling in the direction of greater happiness and contentment with our lives.
This practice is essential to our personal well-being, which is essential to providing positive parenting (and teaching), which is essential to our children’s ability to thrive in today’s ever-challenging world.
So, how do you develop a healthier attitude of gratitude?
Dr. Robert Emmons is a prominent researcher in this area and the author of the popular book Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier. I was privileged to participate in a semester-long course with Dr. Emmons several years ago on this subject, and it was an incredibly uplifting experience! Here’s what he and others have concluded are the “top ten tips” for maintaining gratitude:
1. Keep a Gratitude Journal. Writing in a daily journal, even simply listing three things that you’re thankful for that day, has been shown to relieve depression in some people as much as antidepressant medications. It develops your ability to be on the look out for blessings, to focus on and remember the things that matter most. Ten minutes a day, applied regularly, can work wonders for your soul and your moods.
2. Remember the Bad. Acknowledge and accept the bad things that have happened to you, and then recognize that you’re still standing. It’s about moving from “I’m either happy and grateful or I’m miserable about things” to allowing that I can feel “both happy with good things in my life and sad or mad about other things.” Both are real, and you can really appreciate the sunshine when you recognize that you’ve weathered the storm
3. Ask Yourself Three Questions. A traditional eastern mediation technique known as Naikan involves reflecting on three questions that can help us address difficult situations and relationships. The three questions are:
“What have I received from…?”
“What have I given to…?”
“What troubles and difficulty have I caused…?”
Quietly reflecting on these questions for 15-20 minutes each evening can provide a powerful reshaping of our inner dialogue and open us up to a more humble and grateful disposition.
4. Learn Prayers of Gratitude. People with rich spiritual lives, including the religious practice of praying daily, feel much more gratitude, peacefulness, and security in their lives. As they say, give it up to a higher power, and give thanks to God, the Universe, or your understanding of Life-Giving Source.
5. Come to Your Senses. Pay attention to what you see, hear, touch, smell, taste. Be present to the here and now, and experience the natural pleasures that surround you every waking minute. Get out of your head, and into a full awareness of your natural senses. Become intoxicated and invigorated with life’s sights, sounds, smells, and textures.
6. Use Visual Reminders. Surround yourself with beauty, art, and inspiration. Have photographs, images, and quotes posted all around that inspire and remind you. To breathe. To relax. To appreciate.
7. Make a Vow to Practice Gratitude. Behavior and mindset changes occur more easily when we’ve made a vow, a firm commitment, to do so. When you decide to change, you will. Not want it or wish it or thinking about it or trying it. When you are determined to change, you will. Make a vow to yourself, and then to another person for support, and commit to following through.
8. Watch Your Language. Your words influence your thoughts and actions. What you say out loud reinforces your worldview and helps to create your actual experience. Be mindful of what words are coming out of your mouth. Make a conscious choice to speak more words of kindness and gratitude. Catch yourself speaking otherwise, and when you do, simply “Rewind and Replay.”
9. Go Through the Motions. The old saying, “Fake it ‘til you make it” has some wisdom in it. Smiling sets off signals to the brain that start lighting up neural connections involving positive mood and memory. When you start saying “Thank You” to the world more often, start writing down things your grateful for, it can start that positive snowball rolling, even if you’re not totally feeling it. Stay with it, earnestly seeking to find blessings in your life, and the grateful feelings will start to flow.
10. Think Outside the Box. Look for the gift, the blessing, where you least expect to find it. Crises and catastrophes – natural, medical, financial, relational – have a way sometimes of waking people up to what really matters. They can, indeed, be blessings in disguise.
With my thanks to Dr. Emmons, I pass on these tips to you as a Thanksgiving gift. Don’t feel the need to put too much on your plate – you don’t need to gobble up all of these tips at once – or ever. Just pick one or two and dig in, savoring them this week and every week throughout the year. You, and your children, will be glad you did.
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