Well, I’ve had enough. The rats have won the race. I give up. It’s over.
You can’t ever do enough it seems. You try to do the best you can, but it never feels good enough. There’s always another item on the to do list – another 10 items, just for today. Forget the 100 items on the master list that I’m supposed to keep for “brain dumping” to clear the mind. Then there’s the Bucket List – those dreamy life aspirations that sound so good in a poetic or romantic moment – and make for great movies – but then just come back to haunt you – because, well, life just isn’t like the movies. And you just can’t ever seem to get there.
If I could just get this one thing out of the way, then I’ll be able to enjoy myself. When the kids get into school, then I’ll have more time for those other things that I really care about. When the kids get out of elementary school, they won’t need me as much, there won’t be so much PTA and Scoutmaster and AYSO coaching to do. I’ll just get to sit on the sidelines of the game or in the audience of the play once in a while, then I’ll have lots more time for my other interests. Oh, when they get out of high school, I won’t be running around to all these games and fundraisers and playing cab driver to a bunch of hormone-charged kids that want to go, go, go. Then I’ll have time for myself. My marriage. My friends.
Oops. They’re gone.
My kids have grown up. My wife and I have grown apart. My friends have gone away. My self is some vague stranger I once kinda liked and now don’t even know.
It’s over. I can’t continue the charade of being some super child psychologist and family coach, let alone father, husband, and friend. It’s time to hang it up. So, sorry gang, this will be my last article and the last “Kidstep Connections” newsletter. There’s no energy, no fun, no point anymore.
APRIL FOOLS! This could be my life – and at moments I’ve certainly felt some of these things. I imagine we all have (please tell me it’s not just my imagination!). But I can assure you, this is not what my life, personal or professional, is all about. Thankfully, I have something much bigger that I feel a strong part of that keeps me going. With humor and humility, and some days, even grace, I keeping on going.
The true meaning of Spring, and for some of us out there, of Easter, is that life is constantly renewing itself. We will always have periods of cold and darkness. Yet it will always be followed by warmth and light, if we stay open to that very possibility.
Remembering that “what you focus on, grows,” we must not allow ourselves to let small setbacks, honest mistakes, and moments of true pain blind us to our bigger truths. Let’s not dwell on the imperfections of our lives, other than to acknowledge that they are a real part of who we are, and that’s okay. We need not, and never can be, perfect in that artificial, superficial way our achievement-obsessed society has contrived. And neither can our children.
So let’s not be SO caught up in fulfilling our potential (or our children’s potential), that the quest becomes like the Myth of Sisyphus, pushing that giant rock of expectations up the hill over and over, only to despair as we watch it falter and roll back down, to begin the arduous climb once more.
Instead, let us focus on the joys and riches we – our selves, our spouses, our children, our friends, have to offer along the way. Let’s see the true perfection and beauty of the diversity of talents, and shortcomings, that we all share.
Parents, remember that your children are not all the same, and loving them equally does not mean they get the exact same thing from you all the time (a big source of sibling rivalry and parent angst). Rather, let them always feel they are loved equally and fully, and that will mean they get different things from you at different times because they have different needs.
Teachers, remember that all your students are children, not robots, and so equal does not mean the same. Fair is treating everyone with equal respect, which means doing whatever you can (and that includes accepting your own realistic limits) to guide each student in the way they can best learn and grow.
Spouses, those “opposites” in personality and style were part of the initial attraction that led you to fall head over heals. Now, don’t let them be growing, poisonous irritants. Keep respect in your heart, and find a way to recognize that you bring complimentary strengths to your partnership, not competitive ones.
I was guest lecturing for a Human Development class at Penn State the other day. One of the students asked, “What is the most essential aspect to parenting? What is the best piece of advice you would give to young parents?” After a moment’s thought, my answer was blindingly clear to me.
Borrowing one of my favorite quotes from Neal Donald Walsh, I said the key to good parenting is to always start with this: “WWLD – What Would Love Do?” I’ve never met a parent who wakes up in the morning and says “I can’t wait to screw up my kid today!” Every parent, in his or her best moment, loves their children and wants what’s best for them. Yet the stresses or our daily lives and vulnerabilities in our personalities lead us to stray at times to be impatient or frustrated, to yell or insult or ignore. Or to just plain miss an opportunity to nurture our children, to help them learn and grow from a life challenge.
Yet, when we can take a deep breath, being fully conscious and present with our child, when we can mindfully remind ourselves, “What Would Love Do?”, we will invariably make the right move. We will naturally, and whole-heartedly, give our children our best selves. And that’s all any parent can do.
Now offering that bit of advice felt like some good Spring cleaning for my heart and soul. The key, of course, is for me to go home and practice it with my family, in good faith, without undue pressure to be perfect. How ‘bout you?
May we all enjoy the new warmth of the Spring sun, and what the budding blossoms are about to remind us. Life keeps going. Life really does keep growing, with love and abundance. And so can we.
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