So you’re interested in getting your child to talk more with you. You seem to really care about what he thinks and feels, and want him to trust you more – is that right? Well, let’s see what we can do to help you get more of that closeness you’re seeking.
I just demonstrated part of the answer for you! The best way to get your child (or anyone) to open up and share more with you is to really listen to their words and their heart. As Stephen Covey put it so beautifully, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
First, reflect back what you hear your child saying – paraphrasing what he says and what you think he means. You’re doing this BEFORE offering any opinion, advice, lecture, or your own two-cents in any way. Make sure you really understand what he means by his words and behaviors. Check in with him to confirm that you’ve got it, or leave room for him to clarify if he doesn’t think you quite understand yet.
Don’t ague about what she means, what she thinks, or what she feels. Acknowledge it and empathize with your child, even when you disagree with what she’s saying – especially when you disagree. Your kids will be much more likely to continue opening up to you if they feel you’ve made an honest attempt to hear them and really listen to their ideas.
Then you can certainly reply with your own honest thoughts and feelings, and of course, you will get further with your child if you do so in a calm and matter-of-fact, or playful and fun, manner. Notice I said honest thoughts, even on tough subjects. Be brief and honest with your reply, without too much detail. Leave room for your child to ask questions or add to the conversation. When they see you respond empathically, calmly, and honestly, you’ll build the trust that will have your children responding in kind.
It’s best to reply with a collaborative problem-solving approach, too, rather than a dictatorial explanation or lecture. Notice my initial response to your question (above). I suggested that we’ll explore some possible answers together. I’m joining you in problem-solving, rather than telling you what to do. We’re on the same side this way, rather than potentially setting up as adversaries who will soon be butting heads. – Or avoiding talking altogether.
It’s not a trick. It’s just a mindful, respectful way of interacting. And believe me, you’re kids will appreciate it.
Finally, you may want to look for quiet times in the daily routine to chat. The best time is often at bedtime – so leave room for connecting with a soothing, enjoyable bedtime ritual. When you’re tucking them in, maybe give your child a back rub, or just sit on the edge of the bed in the semi-darkness and spend 15 minutes hanging out, reviewing the day, being open to whatever’s on their mind. It’s a golden time. The second best time is when you’re driving in the car somewhere (without being tense about rushing to the next thing), and you both can chat casually while looking out the window.
Actually, the best time to chat is whenever your child opens his or her mouth and does share a thought or opinion. Make sure you’re paying attention and not missing this gifted opportunity. Always follow up your child’s comments or questions with a simple comment yourself. Be positive, be curious, and be constructive. You want to build your child up, not tear them down. In this way, they’ll be more open to sharing their feelings and solving their problems with you, instead of against you or away from you.
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THANK YOU! THIS REALLY HELPED WITH MY 8 YEAR OLD BOY.
Thanks Rosa – for caring enough to read these, apply them, and reply too :). All the best to you and your son – keep on going!
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