Teaching Kids Emotional Regulation – Step One

It’s the first act of life, and the last act of life.
By some miracle, you do it nearly 20,000 times each day without even thinking about it.
And it holds the key to teaching kids emotional self-control.

Breathing.  Just breathe.

Like many aspects of our being, it often goes unnoticed, taken for granted as we go about our lives unconsciously dealing with the stress of everyday life.  Fretting, racing, worrying, arguing.  We breathe one way.  Loving, laughing, resting, relaxing.  We breathe quite another way.

When you or your child begin to get upset about something – a perceived threat or insult or injustice – what happens to your breath?  It automatically becomes quick and shallow and labored.  Your heart and lungs are speeding up to deliver more oxygen to your extremities to prepare your body for the proverbial “fight or flight” response to stress.

As your child gets more upset, and his Feeling Fever rises on the Feeling Thermometer (Scale of 1-10), his muscles tense, his heart races, his breathing quickens.  It’s happening quite unconsciously.  He can’t help it.

Unless, of course, he becomes aware of what’s happening inside him, and he makes a conscious choice to calm down and relax.  He wants to feel better, be happier.  He doesn’t want to feel so upset or miserable.  But he’s unconsciously caught in an emotional whirlwind that’s starting to carry him away.  What to do?

Pay attention.  When he’s just starting to get into the Yellow Zone (4-5-6) on that Feeling Thermometer is the best time to remind him.  Just breathe.

All relaxation, meditation, and exercise programs that promote mind-body health begin with the breath.  It holds the key to being able to self-regulate and guide oneself to accomplishing almost any goal.  Want your child to be able to get to sleep better?  Follow directions better?  Focus on what she’s doing better?  Control his temper better?  Worry less?  Argue less?  Interrupt less?  Stress less?

Then you’ll want to help him/her remember to “Stop, Relax, and Think!” using our Feeling Thermometer as a memory aid  (See http://www.petermontminy.com/2010/09/managing-emotions-stop-relax-and-think/.)

And the key to the relaxation part is to breathe.  Just breathe.

Getting too excited?  Too carried away?  Too emotional?  Too intense?  With whatever emotion, over whatever circumstance, remember step one.  Just breathe.

You think I’m being ridiculous with this mantra?  Starting to getting irritated with this article?  Just breathe.  (Okay, you can smile, too.)

Be mindful of continuously monitoring your child’s emotional temperature.  As it starts to enter the Yellow Zone, compassionately suggest to your child, “Let’s just stop and take a deep breath for a minute.”  Then proceed to do just that – lead your child in deep, diaphragmatic breathing.  From the gut.  What I like to call “Belly Breathing.”

Hold your hand over your belly button.  Now inhale using your abdominal muscles, so that the hand on your belly rises and falls gently with each inhale and exhale.  Invite a cleansing breath into your body, filling your lungs from the bottom up.  Gently.  Slowly.  Deeply.  Without straining.  Without hunching up your shoulders or puffing up your chest.  Only your belly is moving.

To practice with your child, imagine a balloon inside your bellies filling up with air.  Lie back, relax, and see if you can fill the balloon up slowly and steadily, for 4 seconds.  Hold it for 1.  Let the air seep gently out of the balloon for 4 more seconds.  Repeat. 

In (1—2—3—4) and Out (1—2—3—4).
In (1—2—3—4) and Out (1—2—3—4).
In (1—2—3—4) and Out (1—2—3—4).

Encourage your child to notice how their body feels after this brief “4×4 Breathing” exercise.  Ask where they feel on the stress thermometer now.  Odds are, it just went down a couple of notches!   For more fun and awareness, practice with a stuffed animal riding the gentle waves on top of your belly as you breathe slowly and deeply.  In and out.  In and out.   In and out.

Now you can add other steps, from positive self-talk or imagery to muscle tense-and-release exercises.  For example, coach your child to repeat to themselves, with each breath, “I can relax.  I will relax.  I am relaxing.” And just breathe.

The beauty, and power, of this technique lies in its simplicity.  It can be done anytime, anywhere.  Without fanfare, without notice, you and your child carry your breath with you wherever you go.  Now the challenge is simply to notice it, remain mindful of it, and consciously choose to slow it down. 

Deep, cleansing breaths from the belly center, from your core, will refresh and relax your body and your mind.  Such breathing is physiologically incompatible with being tense.  Just breathe.

Only then will you and your child be ready to focus clearly and constructively on solving whatever problem is at hand.

Tagged as: family stress, parenting stress, positive parenting