You’re busy, running around, trying to get the day’s To Do list done, and your child is trying to tell you something, asking you a question, or wanting to show you their newest creation. Quick, what are you paying attention to?
You want your child to stop playing video games and start his homework, but he’s arguing, backtalking, negotiating as usual. Quick, what are you paying attention to?
You’re tired at the end of the day, and so is your child who is having a full-fledged meltdown, crying and yelling and tantruming when she’s supposed to be getting in bed. Quick, what are you paying attention to?
Odds are, if you’re like many parents, you’re paying attention to the problem at hand, and just want to fix it quickly, get it over with, and move on to the next thing you “have to do.” And you’re never feeling caught up. You’re never quite feeling like you have enough time or energy to make it to the finish line.
You have this nagging sense of foreboding, of the burden of having to take care of everyone else. Never quite sure when and where and how you’ll get to take care of yourself – when you’ll be able to relax and actually enjoy the day, or even the moment.
Just remember, “WHAT YOU FOCUS ON, EXPANDS.”
When you are preoccupied with the busyness of household chores and activity schedules, your worries about getting it all done increase. When you focus on the defiant behaviors repeatedly, your anger and frustration with your children grows. When you attend to the raging noise and embarrassing antics of a tantrum, your sense of helplessness and exhaustion expand.
These stressors exist. They’re real. Yet if you continue to focus on these external circumstances that are beyond your control, you will continue to feed the Fear Monster, the Worry Bug, the Angry Beast within. You’ll eat yourself alive. Yuk.
There is an alternative. Awareness. Mindful awareness of what’s most important to you, and what you want to take from this experience.
Increase your awareness of the reality of the situation, and at the very same time, awareness of what really matters here. You can gently, repeatedly awaken your mind to recognize what gift the Universe is giving you in this very moment. What message God wants you to receive. What lesson you are to learn. What strength can come from this challenge. There are many ways to reframe what is happening, and to refocus on the experience in a way that is energy gaining rather than energy draining.
Be aware each day of how much you are meant to have a loving relationship with your child. Pay attention to how the next activity can be a vehicle not just to clean the kitchen or get the laundry done or get across town to soccer practice. Be aware of how each of those moments can serve as an opportunity to connect with your child – or to take a break from your child and re-energize another part of yourself. It’s all good. It’s all necessary and beautiful and legitimate.
Take a deep breath. And awaken to the possibilities here. Be aware of what is happening in this moment and make a conscious choice to respond mindfully, gracefully, to it, rather than reacting unconsciously, with anxiety or anger.
Be aware of your child’s needs for attention and affection. Be aware of how you can give your child that love in small, bite-size morsels repeatedly throughout the day. Do so proactively, BEFORE your child’s or your stressful tension sets in and begins to escalate towards somebody’s meltdown.
When your child is arguing or backtalking, be aware that he is seeking control, and acknowledge that need with compassion. Be equally aware that you are teaching your child self-control, the ability to adjust his behaviors to meet certain expectations, and that he can do what he needs to, even when he doesn’t want to!
Follow through consistently with careful expectations and consequences that meet your child’s developmental and temperamental needs. Be aware of how you are asking your children to do things and how you’re reinforcing the choices they’re making. Does it fit? Is it a good match? Is it working effectively? (How will you know? You’ll know when you pay attention enough to see that you and your child are fighting less, and enjoying one another more!)
And cultivate a keen awareness of your own emotional arousal. Am I calm and in control of my feelings, my words, my actions? Am I aware of what my child’s emotional needs are right now, and letting him know I understand? I care? Am I aware of the most important principle I want my child, and myself, to take from this encounter? And am I acting according to that principle? Am I really paying attention to what really matters?
The greatest shortcut I know to help you reduce stressful parenting moments is to ask yourself this question, over and over (remember, use post-it note reminders if needed!) – “What Would Love Do (WWLD)?”
Keep a mindful awareness of the “WWLD?” mantra alive in your brain, and the rest of your body will follow through with more effective, stress reducing responses to life’s parenting challenges.
{ 2 comments }
One of your best pieces! Concise and to the point — over and over, I try to get this across. Now I am just going to send my clients to this web page! (Although I know they will still need some support and coaching to keep trying….)
Thanks so much for the encouragement. Here’s to all of us traveling on the mindful parenting path. I’ll look forward to keeping in touch more, as I start getting better about my online communications. Cheers!
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