“Four dead in O-hio…”
Song lyrics from my teen years – memorializing an American tragedy at the time when national guardsmen shot and killed college students protesting the Vietnam war.
The same words headline an article in my local newspaper this week. Only now they are memorializing a different kind of American tragedy – teenagers who have taken their own life after incessant bullying drove them to the depths of despair. One for being an immigrant girl with an accent, one for being openly gay, one for having a learning disability, one for wearing clothes that didn’t fit in. Four dead in O-hio.
And this has nothing to do with Ohio. It has everything to do with the blurring of boundaries, morals, relationships, and entertainment at the expense of human dignity in the digital age all across our country.
It’s anti-bullying week, with story after story pouring out on TV and the internet about troubled teens, pushed to hopelessness and helplessness and death by careless bullying – both online and off. “Slut, whore, fag, bitch…” I don’t even like to write these words, and yet they get whispered in the halls, shouted in the malls, texted and tweeted without a second thought by way too many of our youth today. “We hate so-and-so” groups pop up on internet social networking sites with vicious slurs and rumors being spread faster than wild fire.
I read two separate stories this week about teens going up to open caskets of youths who have committed suicide, still mocking and laughing at their now deceased peer. And it makes me sick to my stomach.
Teasing and ridiculing has always been a part of growing up – especially during the awkward teen years. As nationally syndicated columnist Leonard Pitts writes this week in his article following the suicide of Tyler Clementi (the college freshman who was secretly videotaped by his roommate while having a sexual encounter which was broadcast on the internet), there is nothing new about pulling pranks. There is something else going on here though. Pitts continues:
“What is new is the distance we now have from other people, this tendency to objectify them. What is new is the worldwide reach technology now affords us. And what is new is the cruelty, this willingness to casually destroy someone else with a few clicks of a mouse.
It is as if we have forgotten or never knew: people are not objects. They have feelings. They have intrinsic dignity and worth. And each of us is bound to respect that. There are things you just don’t do to other people, and the fact that technology makes those things easy to do doesn’t make that any less true.
So yes, there is another story here, and it is wrenching, simple, and self-evident: Tyler Clementi was a human being.
And he wasn’t treated like one.”
Suicide, like most human behavior, is determined by multiple factors. We can’t blame any one incident or single simple cause. But this tragic loss of young life is increasingly being associated with teasing turned to harassing turned to bullying – resulting in social humiliation, isolation, and finally desperation. We can’t keep turning a blind eye to this problem.
And while we can’t prevent every bullying act or suicidal act, we can pay attention better. We can be more aware of the stressors our kids are facing, be more compassionate to their fears and pain, be more supportive of developing their strengths, be more assertive in calmly confronting unjust or mean acts.
There are many worthy anti-bullying programs out there, which we can discuss in more detail another day. Meanwhile, here are a few tips and resources to help you guide your children safely through the social challenges they face:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/studentnews/09/30/antibullying.resource/index.html.
Still, nothing can replace your acting with loving kindness every day at home, at work, at school. Do not tolerate mean-spirited jokes or abusive language or put-downs at the expense of others. Give your children clear guidance about acceptable behaviors. Model those values consistently – in what you watch and listen to on the airwaves, in how you respond to offensive activities you encounter, in what you say and do, in how you joke and play, in how you resolve disagreements with others.
Remember, you have to give respect to gain respect. Mindfully guide your children with respectful interactions. Give them the tools to safely confront or escape situations that are disrespectful – to themselves, to their friends, and to those that aren’t their friends.
Above all, keep letting your children know they are valued and they are loved. Remind them that every other child deserves the same – to be respected, not belittled no matter our differences. Share your hope and strength to keep on going. It can and will get better, if we come together and make it so.
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