If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with security,
they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
– From “Children Learn What They Live” by Dorothy Law Nolte
There is an exploding amount of western scientific research coming out these days confirming what eastern spiritual practices and grandma’s common sense have long known. Children learn what they live.
Modern neuroscience is showing us more clearly than ever that children learn best only when they are living in an environment that is:
- safe and secure,
- pleasurable and fun,
- encouraging and nurturing,
- stimulating and challenging.
Children’s brains develop rapidly by interacting with people, places, and things that they can explore freely – without undue fear of physical or psychological harm. Without safe and stimulating interactions from caregivers at each stage of development, a child’s mind will not reach its full potential.
Sure, all children inherit different genes, and they are wired from birth with certain predispositions for both strengths and vulnerabilities. Every parent with more than one child knows this. But how those specific strengths will develop and how those vulnerabilities will be compensated for has everything to do with the environment your child grows up in.
In short, your own personal and family well-being (along with the teacher’s and school’s well-being), goes a long way towards determining your child’s academic, social, and emotional successes in life.
When parents or families are experiencing constant, chronic stress, that stress is downloaded onto the child. And when your child is stressed, his or her mind is unable to fully do its job. Your child is unavailable – dare I say with a brain that is off-line – for learning and succeeding in school.
Curiosity and creativity can only thrive when your child’s brain isn’t worrying about perceived threats to his or her personal well-being (both physical and emotional). Paying attention, finding patterns, making connections to stored memories, and predicting how things will turn out – all critical processes for learning anything – can only occur when the emotional filters of the mid-brain feel secure enough to allow the higher brain to process incoming information. And these higher brain decision-making centers in the frontal lobes – responsible for the “executive functions” of analyzing, prioritizing, planning, self-directing, and self-regulating – will only thrive when consistently nurturing and optimally challenging caregivers guide them.
Whew! What a mouthful. What does it all mean?
It means you, as a caring parent or teacher, will need to keep making conscious choices about how you interact with your growing children, if you want to see them develop to their full potential (- which I know you do because I keep hearing that phrase over and over again from parents and teachers!).
Where to start? While the scientific explanations may sound complicated at times, fortunately the solutions are not. Your child – and his or her brain – will thrive if you start taking these 5 steps this week, and keep on stepping through them, for as long as you have your child in your home (or school or childcare center!):
1. Talking and listening. Think and talk out loud. Model for your child how you think through a challenging problem to solve it. Talk about your day. Share a joke or funny story. Ask them specific questions (who, what, when, where, why, how…?) with caring curiosity, not bullying interrogations. Take the time and space and silence to allow their answers to unfurl. Have open ears and an open heart to receive their questions and complaints with grace. Celebrate their victories. Be present. Minutes a day will go a long way.
2. One-on-one game playing. Play board games and card games and make-believe games. Solve puzzles of all kinds together. Look for a balance of cooperative and competitive games, quiet/passive games and active/sporting games. Sure, video-games too, in moderation. Model and practice turn-taking, rule-following, and good-sportsmanship. The point is to share fun and laughter with each other, and in so doing, see that everyone wins where it’s most important.
3. Walking in the park or woods. Get outside, breathe fresh air, move your bodies. Relaxing or exciting. It’s about observation and discovery of things big and small, both within us and all around us. It’s about seeing and hearing and smelling and tasting and feeling the beauty of nature. Plug back into the natural rhythms of life. Feed your child’s senses and soul. Simply. Go easy on the expectations. Just go. Regularly. And enjoy what unfolds.
4. Decreasing TV time. Limit the amount of screen-time. For real. Make conscious choices about what TV shows and computer sites your child has access to, and how much. An hour or two a day, maximum. With pre-approved menu. Not just any old thing, on as background buzz, seeping into your child’s mind, mindlessly. Or yours. Actively monitor your child’s media diet. And yours. Promote lots of healthy choices. Sure, allow media junk food indulgences in limited quantities. Consider this simple rule of thumb. Does your child have to ask to have someone come over and play? Do you set up some expectations and limits around such a get-together? Well, do the same with the TV or computer (or cell phone!). They have to ask to use it and learn the limited time and place and choice options. Radical.
5. Increasing self-care time. You can’t and won’t do any of these things for your kids on a consistent basis if you’re burnt-out or running on empty. Nurture your body, mind, or spirit at least a half-hour a day. Guaranteed you have the time, you just may not be choosing to use it this way. (See me for more details.) When you’re relaxed and alert and open to fun new learning experiences, you’ll be a guiding light for your child to do the same. As Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” – Or your child.
As always, enjoy the journey! And remember that our Kidstep Coaching Programs are designed specifically to help your kids step into life-time success by enhancing both your family’s well-being and your child’s executive functioning.
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