conscious (n.) aware, sensible, deliberate.
consequence (n.) result, outcome, effect.
Okay, last week you set up the situation with realistic, positive expectations, empathy, and encouragement. Now, either your kids will respond respectfully and cooperatively, or they won’t. Your job is to provide immediate feedback that teaches them to keep making better choices in the future. Your leverage is in how you use consequences – either more or less effectively.
To help you do that more effectively, here’s the final 3 of our “Top 12 Tips for Teaching Kids Respect.” Enjoy, and employ!
TIP #10: ENFORCEMENT – Enforce accountability with consistent limits and consequences. To be most effective, use the 2 Critical Criteria for effective consequences. Make sure that your consequences are (1) MEANINGFUL to your child – it really matters to them, and (2) DOABLE for you – you can and will follow through with them.
Remember, consequences always exist. They always follow your child’s behavior whether you’re paying attention to them or not. And they can be positive or negative. So stop thinking just punishments. In fact, the more you think about and talk about positive reinforcement (praise, privileges, rewards), the more cooperative and respectful your children will become.
Why? Because we’d all rather work for a boss who is encouraging and notices what we do well and praises or rewards us for that good behavior, than a boss who never seems to notice when we do a good job, but only criticizes and corrects us, making us feel like we’re never good enough. Hmmmm, put that way, if we filmed your parenting interactions with your child for the next week, which kind of boss do you think you’d sound more like?
You can be firm without being negative. Be very clear, your child needs to earn privileges with respectful behaviors. TV, computers, cell phones, social activities, bedtimes, etc. are not God-given rights! They are privileges to be earned. And if your child doesn’t show good effort, use respectful language, make positive behavior choices, they won’t earn those privileges they desire. You can be very firm and clear about that.
Just don’t state it in the negative; state it more often in the positive. Go back and read tips 9 and 10 over and over until you really get it. And more importantly, until you’re really doing it – as consistently as possible.
TIP #11: EVALUATION – Evaluate your child’s progress with honesty and integrity. Immediately after your child receives their consequence for their behavior – provide a little extra feedback that helps them actually learn from this experience. Before the child can return to their daily life – before getting out of time out or resuming a certain privilege – make sure you conduct what I lovingly refer to as “the Exit Interview.”
The consequence isn’t over until your child can calmly discuss with you what happened and why. Simply start the Exit Interview with the following question “What did you do that got you this consequence?” Notice the powerful elegance of this question. The focus is matter-of-factly (not accusatorially) on what behavior choice the child made in that situation – not all the external factors like how unfair and mean everyone else is. When your child learns to recognize and accept responsibility for his or her actions, then you are well on your way to more respectful behaviors.
Once you and your child are clear on what they did that got them to this point, then ask “How did that work for you or against you? How do you feel about it now? Think you’d do the same thing again if you were in this situation again? Why or why not?”
You are helping your child to learn about cause and effect, to see that their actions have meaningful consequences in life. You are not lecturing or scolding. You are BRIEFLY evaluating “What happened here?” for the purpose of understanding how to get along better next time around.
TIP #12: EDUCATION – Educate your kids about how they can improve. Teach them how they can keep growing and making better choices in life. Teach and practice with your child, role-playing or rehearsing if needed, how to cope better the next time they are in this situation. Continue the Exit Interview with a brief, brainstorming discussion about “What could you do differently?” And get them to consider the likely consequences of several different choices (quickly weigh the pro’s and con’s).
End the Exit Interview by securing a commitment from your child about “What will you do next time?” Be clear about connecting the dots here – we’re talking about what will they do next time they are in a situation where you expect something (specific and realistic) and they feel differently (upset, struggling) and they need to make a smarter choice (more respectful behavior) that will lead to a more positive outcome (consequence) for them, rather than a negative one.
Finally, encourage your kiddo to “Try it and See…!” It’s a great experiment. We want to see if this new coping plan works better or not. And if not, that’s okay, we’ll be right here ready to help them keep making adjustments until we find what works for them.
It all fits together – pretty cool, eh? Yes, it takes work to establish this new way of seeing and interacting with your child. But when you do, when these conscious ways of thinking and acting become habits, you will find much more joy in watching your children develop with their greater self-discipline, self-respect, and respect for others.
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