The same way you can move from “stressed and surviving” to “thankful and thriving” the rest of the year, too – using my TIME OFF, TIME IN, and TIME OUT strategies! Try using some of these tips from my “T3” Family Wellness Program:
Take TIME OFF to…
Regain Perspective. Zoom out and look at the big picture. What developmental stage is your child in? Your family? Dealing with your tot’s excitement and irritability, fears and fantasies, or your tween’s booming obsession with peer friendships and extracurricular activities, or your teen’s growing needs for independence and intimacy outside of the family? Adjust your expectations for family fun to fit your child’s developmental needs.
What is your temperament or personality type? Your child’s temperament? Do you prefer more socializing and thrilling activities or calm and peaceful solitude during Christmas vacation? Which activities do you find energy-gaining versus energy-draining? Your child? Adjust accordingly.
And what are the environmental circumstances that are either sources of support or stress for you this year? Job satisfaction, financial constraints, the cleanliness, beauty, and repair of your home, extended family and social relationships, society demands and media influences.
Be aware of these developmental, temperamental, and environmental factors, and how they may be affecting your tolerance for facing the added challenges of the holidays.
If the big picture looks and feels strong this year, you may have the energy to splurge on the holidays. If not, reset the bar of expectations, and dial-down the demands on yourself and your family. You don’t HAVE to go to all those parties, or host one, or buy all the those gifts, or bake all that food. Choose commitments for the holiday season that fit with your mood and energy level, and with those of your children and spouse. There is no one perfect way. Get some perspective. Listen to your gut, and go with it.
Reset Priorities. Accept that you can’t do or have it all. (Sorry, Charlie!) Choose 1 to 3 top priorities that you care about the most – ones that will bring you the most happiness during this holiday season. Let go of the rest. Let it go. Now, plan ahead. Schedule several hours out of the 168 you have every week (yes, including Christmas week!), to dedicate to enjoying those priorities.
Restore Power. How important do you think it is that your children are well-rested, well-fed, and well-energized – with ample opportunity for rest, relaxation, and recreation? Do they need some active, run-around, get-it-out-of-your-system crazy fun time, as well as some quiet, recharge-your-batteries, rest time in order to be at their best? Sure they do. And so do you. It’s not really optional – unless you want to feel run down and out-of-gas during the holidays. So, umm, SURPRISE! Sleep, eat, exercise, rest. All are critical to enjoying life during the holidays – and afterwards. Give yourself and your children these gifts first, so you can enjoy any additional gifts that may come your way.
Give TIME IN to…
Communicate Clearly. Pay attention! Use active listening with your kids (and your spouse). Be sure you really hear what your child is saying, what they really mean, with their words and their behavior. Reflect back to them what you understand they’re saying. Yep, just paraphrase it. “Oh, you’d really like to go to that party with your friends, instead of staying home for family night on Friday. Okay, well let’s think about that…” Then weigh the pros and cons to the child and the family, and make a considered decision. The parent has the final say, but you’ll create more open conversations if you’ve honestly listened, understood, and took your child’s feelings and needs into consideration first. Sometimes you give, sometimes you take. But if you think and talk with calm, caring, consideration, your children will learn to do likewise.
No time or energy for this type of discussion during the busy holiday season? Well, taking short cuts here will likely lead to more stress and conflict. During harried times is exactly the time we need to slow down the most! So model calm, reflective, and empathic communications with your child, and you’ll likely get a generous gift in return.
Connect Routinely. Pay attention! You’ve got to cook and eat and clean anyway – so look at these activities as opportunities to bond with your kids – not as some tedious tasks you have to do before you can enjoy your kids. Lighten up! Turn these daily or seasonal chores and errands into playful activities with your kids. Make guessing games, beat-the-clock games, treasure-hunt games, creativity or cleanliness contests (cooperatively or competitively) – out of shopping, decorating, or cleaning chores. Use car rides as a time to chat about holiday wishes and memories or time to sing carols or hymns. Use bedtime as a time to give thanks for the gifts of the day, and prayers for the well-being of others.
Add in seasonal rituals, but be sure to subtract other non-essential routines in order to fit them in. And communicate clearly about expectations ahead of time. As usual, give the child some choice (chocolate chip or peanut butter; you want to stir or pat) nested within your choices and expectations (we’re baking cookies today).
Contribute to Community. Help your child feel a sense of belonging to something bigger and discover the deep satisfaction of giving to others. Participate in a team, club, school, church, or other organization function. Children develop self-esteem and self-worth by earning it, and they do that best when they can contribute with their personal effort and skills to some cause that they care about. Help your child or family choose a particular cause or charity they’d like to contribute to, and set aside real time and resources to make the spirit of giving come alive for them.
Call TIME OUT to…
Resolve Conflicts. When tempers or anxieties flare, as they will, be prepared. Set your child up for success with clear, specific, and realistic expectations. Focus on the solutions to problem behaviors, with positive prompts of what you want the child to DO, not just negative-nagging about what you DON’T want them to do. “Please wait your turn to pick an ornament, everyone will get plenty of opportunities, as long as you wait nicely until you’re sister’s out of the way” instead of “Stop shoving and grabbing!”
And the holidays are not a time to be overly-lenient or to throw-away all rules and structure. Hold the child accountable for appropriate behaviors (good manners, polite and friendly participation in family activities) with clear, firm limits and effective consequences.
Effective consequences, remember, are ones that are MEANINGFUL for the child and ENFORCEABLE for the adult. Emphasize that certain things the child is looking forward to (digital “screen time,” games, videos, outings with friends, etc.) are privileges to be earned, not God-given rights – even if it is Christmas vacation.
Remember to stay focused on the positive outcomes both you and your child desire, and you’ll be rewarded with more of those positive outcomes. Such as, “WHEN you clean all this up – wrapping paper in the trash can, toys stacked neatly under the tree, dirty dishes in the sink, THEN you can play that new video game – and I can’t wait to watch you do it! Let’s go!”
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