There are two complimentary ways to approach this challenge of staying connected with your child as they grow up.
First, one of the most powerful things you can do is to schedule and keep a standing “special time” playdate or hang-out time with your child. Here are the ingredients that will ensure your special time actually leads to building a more fun and loving bond over time.
1. Keep this time sacred. Schedule it like you would a doctor’s appointment. It can be an hour a week, or half-hour three times a week, or 15 minutes a day, but whatever it is, be sure to really keep this space and time. Commit to following through on this just as you would any other REALLY IMPORTANT APPOINTMENT. What is more important than keeping a close relationship with your child as he or she heads into the teen years? If you have to cancel, be sure to do so respectfully ahead of time, and reschedule with your child for later in the same day or week.
2. Follow the child’s lead. It’s a “Child’s Choice” activity. This is a time to suspend criticism, instruction, or any type of correcting the child’s behavior (other than to preserve everyone’s physical safety). Your job is to do whatever the child wants to do (within your safety, moral, and financial limits). Let them know you just want to have some time together to enjoy whatever he or she would like to do. No pressure about expectations. Go with the child’s flow. Active or passive, with lots of talking or almost none, doesn’t matter. Observe your child as if this were someone else’s kid and you were spending an hour or two getting to know them. Open your eyes and ears and mind, and see who your child is becoming – what they think, feel, like to do, or get frustrated by.
3. Don’t ask too many questions. Just play or hang out with your child. Observe and make casual conversation. Sometimes comment on your observations. Let your child share their thoughts, and actively listen by paraphrasing or reflecting back what you heard them say. Offer some of your own thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes, too – as long as they’re not particularly critical of your child. Be real. And be present, in body and mind. Pay attention to your kid. Enjoy!
The second main approach to keeping a connection with your tween, is to find the every-day “in-between times,” the regular daily routines or transitions, and be present for those as well. Being present means you are paying attention to your child while you’re getting those daily chores or errands or activities completed. What mood is he in? What is she wearing? What is he thinking about? What is she interested in?
Enjoy those daily routines with your child by being mindful that you ARE sharing this space and time. You can enjoy these micro-moments throughout the day by starting brief conversations or just enjoying the moment itself.
If you want to have a conversation, check in with your kiddo by asking specific “superficial details” questions. Who? What? Where? When? How? NOT “Why?” so much. NOT “How was school?” but rather, “What happened with your science lab today?” NOT “What’s new with you?” but rather, “Who did you sit with at lunch today?”
Alternatively, you can just enjoy the moment itself without any extra time, money, or fanfare. I’d like to end with two examples of simple, successful connecting rituals that were shared by our readers last week – showing the power of bed-time and car-time.
At our home the kids (2 boys) hated bed time. They were always too busy to stop and get ready for bed. We always read to the boys from the time they were little so the routine was get showers get ready for bed and Dad would read the book. The boys were out growing some of the books so my husband found some chapter books like Gentle Ben, Hardy Boys series. He would read a chapter or 2 each night. They could hardly wait to see what was going to happen next. So getting ready for bed wasn’t such a challenge any more.
– Marlene P., Ridgeway, PA
Our fun time together is driving my teenage son to school in the morning and listening to ESPN’s Mike and Mike in the Morning. Or he shares his latest greatest Reggae song with me, and I can’t believe how fast he can make his tongue work or how he remembers verses and verses of hip-hop. He doesn’t resent the years of piano practice I forced on him because now he can demo what he knows and I don’t.
-Carol M., State College, PA
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