You want your daughter to finish her homework, your son to clean up his room, and both of them to stop complaining whenever you ask them to do something. You’re tired of the daily arguments and endless nagging that it takes to get things done. Why can’t they just do as they’re told?!
You’ve tried yelling and screaming, bribing and cajoling, but nothing seems to work – not for very long, anyway. What’s a caring parent to do?
Well, if you’ve been practicing our strategies from the last article on defiant behaviors (http://www.kidstepcoaching.com/ezine/issue3.html), you’re now clearly communicating realistic expectations to your kids, empathizing with their emotional struggles, and encouraging them to make positive behavior choices. You’ve set them up for success – giving clear, positive directions for how to comply with your expectations even when they don’t feel like it!
Whatever the target behavior is – doing that homework on time, cleaning that room without the attitude – your kids have a choice. They can comply and cooperate respectfully or they can defy and argue disrespectfully. They can meet your expectations or not.
Every behavior has a consequence to it, whether we’re aware of it or not, and that consequence can be either positive or negative. Reset your mind on this important point – consequences are not just punishments, they include rewards, too. We want to be sure that positive consequences consistently follow your child’s positive behaviors and negative consequences follow negative behaviors.
When your child has made his or her behavior choice – then it’s time for you to respond and follow through as effectively as possible. It’s payoff time.
As a conscious, caring parent, you want to provide incentives to your child that help them make positive, pro-social choices – both at home and school. You don’t want to see them stuck in a downward spiral of increasingly negative, anti-social behaviors. And you don’t want to be using ineffective or inconsistent consequences.
So here’s how you can deliver consequences that motivate your child to comply more with your requests, rather than defy your authority. Here are 3 key steps to raising a more respectful child.
1. Enforce limits with effective consequences. Be firm, fair, and fast. Make sure you deliver on the goods you said you would – whether reward or punishment. Have the consequence occur as soon after the behavior as possible – within hours (eg., computer privileges following homework) or days (eg., social privileges following clean room). Be brief, not prolonged – lasting hours just for tonight) or days (grounded for the weekend), rather than weeks or months.
And be sure to apply my “2 Critical Criteria for Effective Consequences.” Before applying any consequences, stop and ask yourself these two questions: “Is it MEANINGFUL for my child?” and “Is it DOABLE for the adult?” An effective incentive has to be something your child really likes and wants, and therefore is willing to change his or her behavior to get it (or dislikes it so much, they’re willing to change their behavior to avoid it). But your consequences aren’t going to be totally effective unless you are ready, willing, and able to follow through with them, too. They have to fit your values, your schedule, and your budget.
These guiding principles are universal, but applying them to your child and situation takes some more careful consideration. In my coaching programs, we figure out how to tailor make the right fit for your particular child’s temperament, development, and environment.
2. Evaluate your child’s progress – with your child. Most behavior management programs for dealing with disruptive behaviors stop with the immediate consequences we discussed above. But you’re going to turbo charge the power of your consequences if you continue on with these two additional steps that we use in our family coaching programs – Evaluate and Educate!
When your child makes respectful, responsible choices, it helps to point out to the child that you noticed how well that worked, or better yet, ask them how well that worked for them. When you make your child more self-aware of their choices and how they turn out, you help your child develop more self-control and self-discipline. This is our true desired outcome, isn’t it?
When your child makes poor or inappropriate choices, you’ll want to apply those “meaningful and doable” negative consequences (usually withdrawing some privilege). Then, before re-instating the privilege or letting the child out of Time-Out, use this handy “Exit Interview.” Ask your child a few simple questions to increase self-awareness: “What did you do that got you this (punishment)?” “How did that choice work for you or against you?” “How do you feel about it?” “Want to make the same choice next time?”
Again, the timing and technique of this varies by child and parent, but the principle is the same – help your children reflect on their choices and see how those choices are connected to the results, or consequences, they get. This helps reduce the “externalizing blame” game that kids often play – blaming their getting in trouble on everything but their own actions or reactions.
3. Educate your child about success plans. Discipline comes from the same Latin root word as disciple – meaning “instruction” – teaching and learning. After all these careful set-up and follow-through steps, ultimately you want your child to learn from their mistakes, to change their behaviors, and to grow into a respectful, cooperative human being.
The whole point of effective discipline is to “teach your child a lesson.” Now, that doesn’t mean getting into a battle of wills to show him who’s boss. Hopefully, it really means that you want to teach your kids how to make better choices so they can get along better with others and be happier in life.
To complete the feedback loop that will empower your child to be more respectful, you’ll want to complete the “Exit Interview” in a calm and supportive manner. Discuss two more points with your child until he or she can answer both with confidence – “What could you do differently when you’re in this situation again?” and “What will you do next time?”
Be sure to brainstorm several possibilities first, and consider their pros and cons, before having your child select a strategy that he or she likes best. That increases awareness of different alternatives, rather than keeping your child trapped in narrow-minded, habitual reactions. And it increases your child’s investment in actually using the coping plan if he or she has made their own conscious choice, rather than being told what to do.
Always end your brief discussion of your children’s choices with hope and encouragement. You might end with my favorite words, “OK, try it and see, and let me know how it goes. I bet you can do this, and I’m eager to see how it works for you. When you do that (positive behavior choice) more, Then you’ll be able to enjoy more (positive consequences). I’m rooting for you! Love you, now let’s get back out there and have some fun!”
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