I know a mom (do you?) who gets up at 5:45 every weekday morning wishing it were Saturday already. She gets washed and dressed, then begins her morning routine as the family field general – rallying the troops to “get up and out” on time each day. She makes the kids’ lunches, signs permission notes, writes checks for fundraisers, makes sure football (or basketball or baseball – which season is it?!) uniforms are out of the dryer and into the duffle, checks backpacks for homework, sees that the dog is walked and fed. After getting her tween’s iPod earphones out and her teen’s cell phone off (no easy feat), she reviews the evening logistics of who’s picking up whom at the bus and getting which kid to which ball practice or music lesson or youth group meeting. With any luck, everybody makes it to the bus and office on time, with no blood shed.
That’s the first hour. After a full day at her “other job,” this mom heads back home where the real fun begins from dinnertime to bedtime. Depending on which day of the week it is, she’ll juggle any number of roles, taking turns as a chauffer, a tutor, a cheerleader, a cook, a maid, a laundry mat attendant, an accountant, a nurse, a counselor, a law enforcement officer, an air traffic controller, a community volunteer, a peacemaker… well, you get the idea.
To be fair, I really do know some dads (do you?!) who have a pretty similar schedule.
And don’t even get me started on the teachers I know who have all that going on at home, then get double duty managing dozens of kids daily dramas at school.
Under these conditions, it’s no wonder busy parents and teachers feel overwhelmed by the demands of daily life.
To top it off, the information age with its 24/7 flow of information and instant-access mentality has speeded up human time. We are now constantly being pulled in all directions for our attention and energy. We are bombarded by demands from all angles and we feel compelled to meet them immediately.
This busyness doesn’t just affect the adults, of course. The stress and strain of daily living trickles down, and sometimes floods, our children too. With this stress comes frequent daily hassles between parents and kids, teachers and students. Daily hassles often turn into power struggles over daily chores or homework or “screen time” (TV, video games, computer, internet, cell phones). And these power struggles may erupt into temper outbursts – either theirs or ours.
What’s a Busy Parent (or Teacher) To Do?
After 20 years of working with stressed out kids, parents, and teachers – as well as dealing with the same stressors at home myself – I’ll tell you a dirty little secret I’ve learned. TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF IS NOT OPTIONAL!
The first crucial step to coping with today’s life stress is to regularly take TIME OFF for your self, away from the rat race, and nurture your body, mind, or spirit.
Yes, BUT… you probably feel like “there’s never enough time” or “everyone else’s needs come first” or “I just don’t have the time or energy” or maybe even “I don’t deserve it.”
Well, let’s stop and think. Do you really want less conflict with your kids, less stress in your life? Do you want more fun and joy in your family? Try this little exercise. Think about a time when you were feeling relaxed and enjoying yourself – either alone or with close friends or playing and laughing with your kids. Picture in your mind’s eye what you were doing, where you were, how long it lasted. Remind yourself of how good it felt, how fun. You can remember the positive energy and sense of being alive that you carried inside. We’ve all had those moments. Now, why wouldn’t you want more of those?
And this isn’t just a selfish notion. You know the truism, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!” In order for you to be the parent (or teacher) you want to be, the one you’re fully capable of being, you need to nurture yourself first. When you’re feeling recharged and re-energized, then you have more of your best self to give your kids. You’re going to be more warm and affectionate, more pleasant and easygoing. You’re going to be able to provide firm, fair limits and follow through calmly with any needed discipline. You’re going to be more effective, and your kids are going to be more responsive. And you’re going to live happily ever after!
Okay, maybe I got carried away there, but why not? I didn’t say perfectly ever after. What’s wrong with picturing living happily together, and then practicing that until it becomes a daily habit? In my teleclasses and coaching programs, we cover many strategies that help you do just that. Here’s three key steps to help you get started:
1. Awareness. Become more conscious or aware of how stressed you’re feeling. Take your feeling temperature several times a day with an imaginary feeling thermometer. See on a scale from 1 to 10 just how stressed you are, and notice how you know – what situations, bodily sensations, thoughts or self-talk go along with that feeling? Better yet, write it down (we sometimes use feeling thermometer journals with kids and parents!). The first step to self-control is self-awareness.
2. Acceptance. Accept that there are some things you can control, and some that you can’t. If something’s bothering you that you have some control over, make a conscious choice to change that circumstance for the better – as my friend Bill O’Hanlon wrote in his book, Do One Thing Different. If you don’t have control over the situation (the economy, a family crisis, a red light when you’re late for soccer), make a conscious choice to accept it and cope with it the best you can. Usually that starts with taking a deep, cleansing breath, and regaining some perspective. It can be done. Like anything else, it just takes a little practice and the right support around you.
3. Action. There are as many ways of relaxing and replenishing your energy as there are people in the world. I always have fun finding out what lights up my clients and then helping them enjoy more of that in their lives – its so incredibly rewarding. The journey of 1000 miles, of course, begins with a single step. So the key is to get started taking some action, any action, consciously and with the intention of being a happier, calmer, saner person first. And positive parent (or teacher) second.
Remember, as Sydney Harris said, “The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.” So take some TIME OFF for your self – and your kids – today!
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