Parents and kids today are frantically trying to keep up with the demands of an increasingly fast-paced world. In the digital age, information flow never sleeps, and it seems like busy parents don’t get to sleep much either!
Meanwhile, the kids I see are growing up faster and earlier, being exposed prematurely to the adult world, both on-line and off, for better and for worse. Kids feel more entitled and are more demanding. Yet they also struggle with the demands of increased peer and performance pressures. Attention spans are down, oppositional and defiant behaviors are up.
Parents and teachers I talk with are worried about the increased moodiness, disorganization, and disrespect they see in their kids. (Sound familiar?) They get frustrated by a troubling child’s backtalking or belligerence, and they want answers. Quick, convenient answers, preferably! Why does he behave that way? What can I do to get her to shape up, or cheer up, or catch up?
Running to keep up themselves, and just trying to put out the fires that keep popping up, parents and teachers often get caught in the trap of tunnel vision. Are you looking for that quick fix or that “silver bullet” that will explain all the current problems and just make them go away? Don’t’ we wish?!
I don’t know of such a magic wand or bullet. But I do know that to overcome the overwhelm parents and families are feeling today, we need to first step back and take a look at the bigger picture.
When you’re feeling overwhelmed with your child’s challenging behaviors, along with the stress from the rest of your life, then first “zoom out” with your wide-angle lens to get a better perspective on what’s going on. Then, after you’ve done that, you can make better choices about where to “zoom in” and refocus your energies most wisely.
Take that first step back and gain a clearer understanding of your family’s strengths and weaknesses, as well as the internal and external resources you have available to you. Then you can allocate your time and energy to where it can do the most good. But you’ve got to get out of that tunnel vision mode. Get out of your rut, your way of seeing and being, first.
One of my favorite quotes sums it up nicely: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.” Well, if you want to get out of overwhelm, and help your child get out of his or hers, you’ve got to regain a fresh perspective, reset your priorities, and restart some new habits. (Just what we focus on in the TIME OFF portion of my family wellness coaching programs.)
As you look at the big picture, I encourage you to consider three main factors that contribute to your child’s and family’s functioning. I call this my “Child Development 101” lecture – here in highly abbreviated form:
- Individual Characteristics – what’s your child’s personality like – both biologically-based temperament and his or her learned thoughts, feelings, and perceptions? These are the filters that help determine your child’s functioning. Same for you, too!
- Interpersonal Interactions – when a child behaves a certain way, it also has a lot to
do with how we set up the situation before hand (expectations, prompts,
cues) and how we respond afterward (reactions and consequences). These
patterns or habits develop over time and influence what we’re likely to
get from our kids. - Environmental Circumstances – Our personalities and interactions with each other don’t occur in a vacuum. We’re surrounded by external circumstances in our lives that can serve as either supports or stressors – the economy, job satisfaction or stress, family and friends, community groups, cultural values, societal trends, significant life events, to name a few.
When working with clients, we use a Big Picture Map to look at these main factors, and then assign positive or negative point values based on how you see that part of your life.
From this vantage point, reflect on where your strengths are and where your biggest struggles are. Recognize that you, your child, everyone, has some of both. That perspective alone lets you do two powerful things that will give you a big energy boost.
Appreciate this perspective. Our problems do not define us, they are just a small part of the big picture of our lives. Our problems need not consume us, unless we choose to see them that way. As my friend and mentor Christine Kloser recommends, take a God’s-eye view of your situation. Accept that even the “weaknesses” are there for a reason. All aspects of our lives are blessings, are gifts to be received with grace. If we believe that, and refocus on that, the heavy weight of the problem shrinks.
Remember, what we focus on, expands. How we view our situation goes a long way to determining our situation. So view your problems for what they are – just a part of the picture. And ones that you can either work steadily to change, or accept and cope with. The choice is yours. Either way, get the support you need to follow through.
Then consciously focus on and celebrate your strengths! Harness your positive attributes and resources – write ‘em down, proclaim them, own them, use them to overcome your challenges and to thrive in other areas of your life. What you focus on, expands! Know and grow your strengths.
With this big picture perspective, you can step back into the daily hustle with renewed energy and determination to face daily stressors – both yours and your kids – with ease and grace.
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